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Dogs Are Not Good at Math

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, HE's BACK, IT's THAT GUY, THAT SAME GUY. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. ANOTHER CAN OF FOOD? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, I COULD DO THAT! HE's NOT THAT GOOD.

That's why the greatest, most exciting moment in the life of a dog is the front seat of the car. You and him in the front seat. It's the only place where your head and his head are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he thinks, THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. YOU AND ME TOGETHER, THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. He looks out the front. What's he looking at? He' a dog. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE, A RIGHT OR A LEFT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM.

They have a hard time. They stand up, they sit down, they can't handle the turns either way. No matter which way you turn, he's not ready. They don't know what to do. And then comes the great moment of frustration. You stop someplace and get something to eat. This kills him. You get a hamburger, this blows his mind. INSTANT FOOD WHENEVER YOU WANT IT? You know what this means to him? You ever see the look on this face? He looks over at you. HOW'D YOU GET THAT? ARE THEY GIVING IT TO EVERYBODY NOW? YOU THINK I COULD GET ONE. They can't get anything.

Dogs have no money, Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? ………. No pockets.

—Credits: joke by Jerry Seinfeld; Blue Dog by George Rodrigue.


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